Hot and Cold Relationships

Dating is rough. There are a million sites and books about what to do, what not to do, where to find love etc etc etc. If you've been in the dating game for a while it can start to look really bleak. Sometimes you start to give up a little, or loosen up your standards and requirements. You start to think that once you meet someone with a "chemical connection" you have to hold on for dear life, because you really don't want to die alone. But the thing is- there are phrases like, "When one door closes another one opens," for a reason. Dating can be confusing as hell. Reading books like, "The Rules," or "He's Just Not that Into You," will only confuse you more- especially if you have guy friends that tell you both those books are full of it. But here's what I've learned about dating the guy that's "Hot and Cold."

The second someone goes from infatuation to hesitating with making plans- those butterflies you felt at the beginning are all of a sudden replaced with tension and then you're on edge and you feel like you can only relax when you're with him- and that's because you never know when that will be. So you panic and cling whenever you do get it, because you're fighting to hold onto the initial bliss you once had.

We women tend to feel the need to start making ourselves available and doing all the work- but that only pushes him away further. NO! STOP IT! Keep your options open ALWAYS. The second you put your life on hold waiting around for one man, you end up giving him all the power. You're basically telling him, "I'm so crazy about you, I'll take whatever I can get." Guess what, that's NOT attractive. The second you start betting in the hot and cold casino is the second you'll start losing.

When you honor your heart, it will compel him to honor you. When you stand up for yourself and don't let bad behavior slide for a second, you're saying, "My life is wonderful, whole and complete with or without you, step up or step off. Join me if you life, but I'm doing amazing things regardless. No time to waste, no games to play." Which one is more attractive? When you stand your ground, they will stop blowing hot and cold and give you the attention you deserve.

Stop over-functioning. Behavioral extremes indicate a power play is being employed. Hot/Cold behavior leads to uncertainty. Uncertainty is a know psychological method to activate pursuit. Uncertainty makes us yearn for stability, it's an automatic human response to chase. When the other pulls away, the other one fights to pull them back. One who initiates is the one who is the most terrified. Real strength is the ability to maintain contact. Prefer honesty over games. Be direct. Authentic communication may reveal the others fears, if not- questioning will be met with resistance. Someone who is capable of honest/consistent behavior will always communicate the underlying issue.

If you feel like a guy is giving mixed signals/stringing you along- talk about it and ask him what his intentions are. Tell him it's confusing you. Find out exactly what's going on. A high value woman won't let a man push her around. A high value woman is not a woman he can take advantage of.

Words are a waste of time and hers and they mean nothing unless a man backs them up with actions.
When a man's actions don't support his words, it's time to call out his bullshit and move on. You need to walk the walk and talk the talk honey. Because you deserve a man who puts you before most other things- no reason to accept anything less. No reason to be with a man who can't pull the trigger. No more one foot in, one foot out crap.

We're in a time of an ever growing epidemic of the passive man- with an underlying fear of coming across as too eager or being rejected. This COULD be the result of the ambiguity. But instead of being presented with a cute date plan or a fun idea for a specific day of the week- women get proposals for non dates and casual hangouts. No, no, no!  Ladies be aware when you're settling for crumbs instead of the entire loaf. Because believe me, someone WILL demand the entire loaf, and you'll be left scratching your head saying, "But I did EVERYTHING for him! I was so sweet and supportive!" You know who gets the loaf? The woman who is offered a non date and replies, "Nope, not interested, try again. You're boring me with these ridiculous offers. If I want to hang out, I'll call my girlfriends. Later." PAY ATTENTION!

Simply ignore texts that present nonchalant plans and proposals of non dates and suggest he come up with an actual date. Make a difference by not participating or enabling this mediocre behavior. Because one good thing is better than a thousand mediocre flings. Hook-ups are low risk, and by keeping things casual the non-relationship guarantees a non breakup. But believe me, it will devastate you as if it was the real thing.

With all the hook-up and dating sites out there, everyone seems to have a lot of options and many fear missing out if they commit to one person. But if you know how the rest of the world is playing the game, stay two steps ahead and be the one that says, "NO DICE!" Gain a real relationship- with true intimacy, and the sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes with it. Todays communication formats don't allow complicated thoughts to present themselves. Properly communicating gets rid of feeling like you don't know where you stand.

Many women get treated like an option instead of a priority- which makes people lonely because they don't let themselves care enough about a person to develop a true connection. I don't do hot and cold, I do consistency. You're either in, or you're out.

When he goes from intense to gradually or very sharply cooled down, here's what's happening:
- He's not as eager to pursue
-You're chasing
-Hearing excuses about being busy
-Used to hear from them all the time- now there's increasing gaps
-Less attentive
-Gets snippy about promises
-They pull away, you stop chasing, they chase, you respond, and they pull away again

You can never trust this person enough to know what to expect from them. The relationship can't progress because they keep undermining it, they're inconsistent- or become consistent at being inconsistent- training you to expect less of them. No point being with someone hot and cold because it's not mutual- it's all on their terms and you never really know where you stand.

Person thrives on control and equates feeling out of control with desire. They value what they don't have, so you're on borrowed time. When you don't give them the time of day, or they don't know if you're interested- that's when they get curious. But future faking will only make you feel insecure. Their being shady as FUCK! Don't think for a second a few other innocent ladies are along for the same ride with the man that you thought was yours alone. They know this pattern will disrupt and confuse you to the point you become desensitized and think you're getting something special, when really you're just another side hoe. Before you know it, he takes a sharp cowardly exit before you can see the emperors new clothes.

The moment that you allow someone to be inconsistent, you are allowing your expectations to be managed down. When a man says you can't expect too much from him, he's making excuses instead of effort and that is not a man, that is what we call a FUCKBOY. You're betting on potential but it's a false economy that will eat your soul. You're trying to mess with supply and demand.

Blowing hot and cold is ambivalent, ambiguous, inconsistent, contradictory, unreliable, unstable, and assclownery. Not one of these things are remotely attractive or exciting- they are "EJECT Button" worthy. They are thoughtless and self involved to think they can do this numerous times with out being noticed. Life is way too short to not follow your heart. When you're wound up in your head and nervous, guilty, upset, or anxious, our entire universe feels heavy and negative. Don't you DARE give up your power like that! You can't let yourself sit in a confusing position any longer.

Tell that Ghostly Coward to stop being iffy. No more back and forth. No more wishy/washy noncommittal man. No more wondering and withholding your love because you're not sure if he's really going to be there for you or not. This man is not making you feel cherished and appreciated, he's being reckless with your heart and your love. You're not going to be your best self for as long as your relationship is unstable and "on and off."

Since you don't know how he's going to show up from day to day- you don't know where you're headed, and you're living on shaky emotional ground- which is taking its toll on you. It's causing you to act in ways that put more distance and you push him away out of fear. When there's no secure foundation for you and your heart, it undermines everything. It throws you completely out of whack on every level- doing things you know aren't productive or helpful. And the worst part is you can't help it because of the way the situation is making you feel. Stop the pattern. His fuckboy ass needs to show up- be a better man.

He'll often pull away right after you finally get truly close and intimate. No reasons, just excuses. Comes back when he feels the emptiness/lonliness when he takes his space. He's avoiding himself and his own feelings and uses you as an emotional crutch. It's called stable footing and it's great for him and fucked for you.

So, put your big girl pants on. Listen to your friends who have been reading through all that bullshit from the beginning and have some self respect. Because if you don't respect yourself, honey- then whoever will??? Call him out. Don't let him bully you. You are not some status quo hoe, you are the real thing and it's time you start acting like it!

Quick Tips for Healthy Relationships

• You can wait, or you can create- focus on abundance not scarcity. Leaving things to fate leaves us with no sense of agency. Ordinary things done consistently create extraordinary results. We are what we repeatedly do. Confidence trumps compliance every time.

• He wants the one who already knows she's good enough for him. Have certainty of your self worth. "I am a complete person without you, but I desire to have you be a part of my life because you are worthy of it."

• A woman with integrity sticks to her principles and doesn't compromise. Never let bad behavior slide. Staying true to values that will establish trust are important. Someone with integrity won't put up with a guy who lacks it. It's not about you, and your power, it's about him and his insecurity. Be a strong character. Be fussy about who you share your time, spirit and energy with.

• We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.

• Hope and fear can't occupy the same space at the same time. Invite one to stay.

• How many traits that you are looking for, do you embody yourself?

• Recognize when something isn't working for you and recognize what it is. Stop losing yourself in your relationship by giving things up that you love and like to spend more time on him. Be ready for when love finds you by loving yourself fully and unconditionally first.

• Communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness.

• Accept and allow for each others real feelings- regardless of whether they happen to please the other or not. Real and authentic honesty is the first step and only path to a real, secure and lasting relationship where both partners know their feelings are heard and respected.

• Standing your ground is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Don't let them play on emotions to get what they want. You are valuable, not desperate. If he disappears for days, wells and when he wants you BAM- you're there, that screams needy and desperate and are a direct way to relationship doom.

• Make choices based on actions not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. Don't be afraid to walk away. Bad behavior doesn't earn your attention-it earns consequences. Make him be accountable for his actions.

• Don't let him push your buttons. Push his and throw him through a loop. It's okay to tell a man his behavior doesn't match up with what you want. Tell him he better have his act together or you're out.

• People place higher value on something they have to work for. Men have to feel like you're choosy not needy. Say no, turn down mediocre offers. Accepting a situation that is anything other than what you want will make you unhappy.

• When he stops making plans, texting, calling etc. Know that space to recover is healthy for men. What he's doing with his life and his purpose will impact the relationship. If he isn't clear on his purpose, he can become withdrawn, restless, irritated and unengaged. They'll shut the world out and become emotionally distant and withdrawn. Encourage him to take space and let him know you're here when he's ready.

• You need someone who is truly committed to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level- not someone who is coerced, forced or convinced. A man needs to have his own reasons for committing.

• Women create all these expectations about what the relationship is supposed to look like and when things fall short, she becomes disappointed and unfulfilled. Be clear at the beginning about what it is you are looking for to avoid unnecessary confusion and misunderstanding. Let go of the need to control what happens next and give him the chance to make plans with you or initiate affection.

Men Who Hold Out for Sex....

Society is an interesting thing. Society mixed with Biology is even more interesting. Men are Biologically wired to spread their "seed," which is also why it's common knowledge among women than men think with their OTHER head more than half of the time. Females at the same time are wired to try and "lure" a man for genetic purposes. Which is also why women are more prone to jealous feelings- it's their natural biological way of wanting to fight off competition and lock down a mate. What has this come to mean in society over time? For starters, 1) Men are Hunters, 2) Women hold out because the man ultimately wants to "hunt" for it, so if you give it up too quick, interest will dissipate, 3) Men have learned to "woo" in order to stick some P in the V.

On the flip side of things, women have become desensitized to the "typical" male nature of things. Women are learning earlier on in life that "sleeping" with a man doesn't make him "yours" and it doesn't in fact "lock him down" by any means. Therefor, women are learning to accept and appreciate the act in itself, and detach from emotions beyond the situation. Example: Woman meets Man at Bar, they flirt, they establish attraction, woman decides she's okay with a "one night affair," they go, they "dance," they part ways, End of Story. On a more serious level, women have learned that making a man wait for a substantial amount of time before intercourse will backfire. So, they give it up faster because they don't want to lose him. Biology mixed with Society. Interesting shit.

Funny thing about Society and Biology and Evolution mixed together- you encounter ALL sorts of interesting scenarios. Women start putting out quicker, Men stop wooing, Women get bored and move on, Men get attached too quickly, yady yady yada. THEN you get the UNTHINKABLE: "Men who won't give it up." *Drum Roll Please*

Wait, Men who don't give it up? Is that real? Yea, right!  Uh, no, it's real and it happens, and it happens for many reasons.  However, before I venture into the reasons, Society needs to understand that if women can adapt, so can men, and oh, weird, they do, and they have. They might be a rare breed. But shit's about to get real.

[Pause for Wine]

Wait, so, Men can ACTUALLY get all hot and sweaty and make out for hours and then POOF, say "no."
Yes, they can. They can knock your hand out of their pants, they can say, "Let's just go to sleep," they can even say, "I know I was holding your hand earlier, but no, I don't want to fuck you tonight." All of these responses would be completely acceptable for women, but for some bizarre reason, women are dumb founded by these responses from men. So, what happened? Where's the switch in our evolution that all of a sudden made it okay for women to give it up and men to hold back? Darwinism of the sexes? Could be. Simple evolution? Potentially. However, this phenomenon is so RECENT that science hasn't even researched it yet.

Science. Right. So, all I could find were the top 10 most common reasons Men hold out for Sex. Here's my twist on things.

1) He's a fucking psycho and he's taking medication to control his Crazy- which in turn makes him not want to have sex.
-Fair enough, but how do you find out if he's a closet psycho? Snoop through his bathroom? Talk about your hypothetical psycho problems so you can "relate?" Hmmm..... some creativity might come in handy for this one.

2) He works a lot, he plays a shit ton of Diablo III (or video games in general), stays up way past any normal humans bedtime, and eventually he HAS to sleep, even if a hot girl wants to ride his wang. Because sleep is essential, and sometimes, sex deprived sleep isn't AS important as Video Game deprived sleep. True Story.

3) Hormones. Yep. Hormones. Bitches take Birthcontrol and that can make them crazy, but guys can very easily get the WRONG testosterone test done and that in turn can balance out in a BAD, BAD, way. But, unless you're dating a guy that's having a midlife crisis or beyond, this PROBABLY isn't the issue. Some men with a lack of libido get their blood tested. Most will get tested for TOTAL Testosterone levels instead of FREE Testosterone levels which is a much more accurate picture of how much sex they "need/want" there's also something about SHBG, and Prolactin- but seriously, unless you're dating an ALMOST Grandpa- hormones are probably not the issue.

4) WHO AM I???? So, girls could be dealing with five different counts of drama in their life, but if you tell them "they're pretty and amazing" and then touch them in JUST the right way, their libido is HIGHLY likely to spike and she'll be temporarily happy again. Men- not so much. If he's stressed about a job, where he's supposed to move, someone is dying- he's probably not gonna get a boner, because he can't turn off his fucking mind. Truth.

5) You don't have the sex potential he's looking for. He wants to choke you out, you're not down, he's over it. The end.

6) You got in a fight, he's pouting, and unless you can give him the space he needs he might end up strangling you instead of banging you. Savvy?

7) Stress. Nuff said. Give him space, pamper him, feed him, but by all means, DO NOT TRY TO BANG HIM! He's got other things on his brain, and it will be one more chore he has to deal with, see #4. They go hand in hand. Plus, mix #7 with #4 and a combo of #2- WOA...... then he might NEED to be on #1.

[Pause for Wine]

8) He watched a porno earlier, jacked off, and doesn't want to do it again. Business was taken care of. Sorry Doll.

9) They love you too much......like a sister. Which is weird. No normal person wants to fuck their sister. There's Friends with Benefits, then there's BFF's with benefits that remind me of my family....CREEEEEPY!!! Girls- this isn't weird for you, but for guys, they like you, like being with you, but you just have too much of that "We're so In-Sync" and less of that "We're SOOO hot together" vibe that simply kills the wood. Sorry.

10) Men don't want to fail. Sometimes, they think they might, so they don't try. They don't want to be mediocre, they want to be the best, if they think they can't be the best, then they're over it.

So, he's not necessarily holding out because he's NOT into you. He might be totally into you. Several factors might also be at play. These are the SCIENTIFIC facts for TOP 10 reasons why.

P.S. If this bothers you and you're baffled by it, or offended, just ask him why. Chances are, it's probably on the list. OR he has an STD and doesn't want to give it to you- that is ALSO a possibility- use protection unless you are both monogamous and have been tested together. They say it takes about 3 months for most STI and STD's to show up on a test- stay safe people. Be smart. Talk to your honey, if he's stressed, see how you can take off some of that load. Good luck ladies.

The Scientists Guide to Love

 Your head actually registers "love" before your heart does- technically speaking. There is a legit part of your brain that registers "love" and ironically, it's right next to the part of your brain that registers pain. Go figure. Nice thing about that though, if you're in pain and think about someone you love, you'll feel less pain. That's kinda neat.

When you "love" someone, your brain is literally flooded with mood altering chemicals that throw off your normal brain chemistry, tampering with your common sense and judgement. Basically, love can turn you into a crazy person, science proves it. By crazy, I mean it can lead you to do certain crazy things that you normally wouldn't do- like stalking for example. Yes, Facebook stalking counts. 

When you really, really like someone you experience a surge of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that stimulates the reward center of your brain and makes you "crave" your partner, bad. You get a rush of pleasure whenever you see or hear from him/her and because of this, being with them becomes a primary goal. Dopamine also activates the area of your brain that helps you focus. That's why you're always thinking of ways to get close to your partner- or stalk their Facebook status updates incessantly. Literally, the same thing that alerts us that we need basic things like food, kick in when we're falling for someone. That's why you might find yourself having a hard time concentrating on work and other things. Facebook doesn't help either. 

My advice, if you start noticing you're becoming a crazy stalker, you should probably restrict your partner for a while or unsubscribe from their updates so you can FOCUS! But, it's not your fault you're crazy, it's your brain's fault. 

Feeling Jealous? Jealousy is driven by uncertainty. If your relationship status is up in the air and you aren't sure where you stand, the green monster might start rearing it's ugly head! Don't worry though, science explains that too. Humans have this thing called DNA. It's actually wired into our DNA to fend off competition so we get the best mate to create babies with. Jealousy is our natural and biological way of locking down a mate and preventing them from straying. 

At the same time, when you're "love sick," serotonin levels (the happy drug in your brain) can drop by as much as 40 percent. When that happens the stress hormone cortisol rises and that makes you feel jealous, anxious and stressed. Stupid  Brain. So much for love making you feel warm and fuzzy inside, right? 

Noticing yourself wanting to rush things? You've been on three dates and you're already planning your wedding and naming you hypothetical children? Maybe you've been together for a month and you're already wanting to move in? Yea, your brain can make you crazy when you've "got chemistry." Here's why: the chemical spike you get when you're with your partner is so intense and awesome, you turn into a crack head for love and will do anything you can to get your next fix. You start to do whatever it takes to get it and make sure your partner is addicted to the same chemicals your brain wants too. The thing that sucks about this though- is your ability to reason flies out the window once you're hooked. Literally, you lose activity in your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain that makes decisions. So, your brain wants to focus on them which in turn makes you unable to think rationally and make logical decisions. Dumb. 

The good news? Well, once you shake the ambiguity of where you and your partner stand, you're likely to stop having such intense chemical reactions in your brain and start thinking logically again. Whoo hoo! If you have experienced any of these symptoms, you're probably sick with love. The prescription? Space. Block them from your Facebook for a while, start seeing them once a week instead of three or four times a week, and work out! Working out increases your serotonin levels which help, immensely.