The Scientists Guide to Love

 Your head actually registers "love" before your heart does- technically speaking. There is a legit part of your brain that registers "love" and ironically, it's right next to the part of your brain that registers pain. Go figure. Nice thing about that though, if you're in pain and think about someone you love, you'll feel less pain. That's kinda neat.

When you "love" someone, your brain is literally flooded with mood altering chemicals that throw off your normal brain chemistry, tampering with your common sense and judgement. Basically, love can turn you into a crazy person, science proves it. By crazy, I mean it can lead you to do certain crazy things that you normally wouldn't do- like stalking for example. Yes, Facebook stalking counts. 

When you really, really like someone you experience a surge of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that stimulates the reward center of your brain and makes you "crave" your partner, bad. You get a rush of pleasure whenever you see or hear from him/her and because of this, being with them becomes a primary goal. Dopamine also activates the area of your brain that helps you focus. That's why you're always thinking of ways to get close to your partner- or stalk their Facebook status updates incessantly. Literally, the same thing that alerts us that we need basic things like food, kick in when we're falling for someone. That's why you might find yourself having a hard time concentrating on work and other things. Facebook doesn't help either. 

My advice, if you start noticing you're becoming a crazy stalker, you should probably restrict your partner for a while or unsubscribe from their updates so you can FOCUS! But, it's not your fault you're crazy, it's your brain's fault. 

Feeling Jealous? Jealousy is driven by uncertainty. If your relationship status is up in the air and you aren't sure where you stand, the green monster might start rearing it's ugly head! Don't worry though, science explains that too. Humans have this thing called DNA. It's actually wired into our DNA to fend off competition so we get the best mate to create babies with. Jealousy is our natural and biological way of locking down a mate and preventing them from straying. 

At the same time, when you're "love sick," serotonin levels (the happy drug in your brain) can drop by as much as 40 percent. When that happens the stress hormone cortisol rises and that makes you feel jealous, anxious and stressed. Stupid  Brain. So much for love making you feel warm and fuzzy inside, right? 

Noticing yourself wanting to rush things? You've been on three dates and you're already planning your wedding and naming you hypothetical children? Maybe you've been together for a month and you're already wanting to move in? Yea, your brain can make you crazy when you've "got chemistry." Here's why: the chemical spike you get when you're with your partner is so intense and awesome, you turn into a crack head for love and will do anything you can to get your next fix. You start to do whatever it takes to get it and make sure your partner is addicted to the same chemicals your brain wants too. The thing that sucks about this though- is your ability to reason flies out the window once you're hooked. Literally, you lose activity in your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain that makes decisions. So, your brain wants to focus on them which in turn makes you unable to think rationally and make logical decisions. Dumb. 

The good news? Well, once you shake the ambiguity of where you and your partner stand, you're likely to stop having such intense chemical reactions in your brain and start thinking logically again. Whoo hoo! If you have experienced any of these symptoms, you're probably sick with love. The prescription? Space. Block them from your Facebook for a while, start seeing them once a week instead of three or four times a week, and work out! Working out increases your serotonin levels which help, immensely. 

Friends With Benefits

This seems to be a reoccurring theme in the film industry these days. Friends With Benefits with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, and then there was No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman. Both movies were fairly descent Romantic Comedies. HOWEVER, and a big however at that- both of those movies were chalk full of bull shit. Last time I checked, Fuck Buddy situations RARELY end in a serious relationship. Pretty sure someone usually gets attached and it never ends like it does in the Hollywood Movie Flics. Regardless of Hollywood's romanticized version of this type of relationship, they are, in theory, still a good idea.

Think about it. Who really likes dating? I certainly find it exhausting. Emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting. Dating is a good way to discover that most humans are dull, awkward, and socially challenged. Of course they are, or they wouldn't be single. I've had someone take an onion ring, turn it into a heart, stab it with toothpicks to hold it into place, and then say, "Here, look, I made you something." I'm not sure what movies that human had been watching, but last time I checked, making my onion ring a heart on a first date didn't exactly scream, "He's a keeper!" In fact, it mostly screamed, "He's a creeper! Run for the hills!" Go on about 20 first dates like that and yes, it's exhausting.

I live in a town where any fun, exciting, normal individuals happen to be my friends. I also live in a town where incest of friends is a huge problem. A friend of mine and I played a game called 6 degrees of separation- only by people that have slept together. It was almost appalling at how easy it was to connect two people from two different social groups, strictly by who they've slept with. The fact that we know who all of our friends have had sexual relations with is equally disturbing. We've all done it. We've all shat where we eat- so to speak. Maybe it was back in High School, maybe it was last week. It doesn't matter.

So, there you have it, two options, incest of friends, or awkward dating. Eventually though, you'll probably find a descent human after about 25 first or second lame dates, and maybe like them enough to hang out for 5 or 6 dates, maybe even do the nasty, but then it's either shit or get off the pot. I'm in an age bracket where people are either getting married, or not done playing the field. So, I end up back at the friends thing. I have very attractive friends, they are funny, smart, exciting, and I'd probably sleep with a number of them if it wasn't socially frowned upon. I also like to think I have some sort of "standards."

So, I have to pick one friend. One friend who hasn't slept with any of my friends. If they have slept with any of my friends, it can't be any of my "best friends." I also need to make sure I haven't done the naughty with any of their best friends. Luckily for me, this wasn't too hard. Wait, yes, yes it was a bit of a challenge. But, I  lucked out. My particular "friend" happens to be gone most of the year and meets the rest of my "standards" for when it comes to the idea of casual sex.

Casual sex. Fuck Buddies. Bang Besties. Lovers. Sex slaves. Whatever you call it. We all need to have one.  Why? Because we are animals and we have basic human needs for food, shelter and sex. It's natural. Once you're bored dating, or heart broken by someone you actually liked, it's time to call that "friend" and feed your natural desires. Why? Because convenient rebounds are the easiest way to get over someone without feeling like too much of a whore. It's also nice to know that beyond the bedroom, you don't HAVE to go to breakfast or dinner to feel like it meant something, because it didn't.

No strings attached. No commitment. No messy feelings. Just. Sex. I am over the in between dating process. I'd like to just cut out the middle man. If you like someone enough to hang out AND sleep with them, you should probably just commit. Otherwise, a "special friend" works wonders. Just make sure you use a condom and get tested regularly.

Happy Banging Everyone.

Cowardly Men Vs. Assholes

Most females, by now, have seen the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." Women are funny creatures. Full of emotions, vivid imaginations, contradicting logic, and above all, they have this constant hunger to know everything......when it comes to the opposite sex. They can watch movies that explain their exact situation to a "T" but because of a slight omission of information specific to a particular individual- they convince themselves they are an exception. Interesting. So, a male can become involved in a females life, and then *POOF* disappear- and women will come up with magical stories about how he was kidnapped by his work, or his friend was in an accident, or he lost her number while he was cliff diving etc. Instead of ultimately accepting that said Male has moved on, and they should too. 

Moving on. Men are interesting creatures as well. They have all seen a cheesy romance movie or two in their day, and I'm certain they have drawn their own conclusions for what women want and expect from a male counterpart. I've concluded through my observations that all women are the same and that there are three very distinct types of men roaming this planet. 1) The Womanizer a.k.a. Asshole. 2) The "Nice Guy" 3) The Self Proclaimed Gentleman a.k.a. Coward. 

1) The Womanizer is the kind of man who always dresses to the nines. He is usually drinking a scotch or a whiskey on the rocks, suave, and confident, and surrounded by male and women alike "oooohing and aaaahhiing" over their innate sense of confidence. This guy is clever and he has a way of making women feel "special and wanted" without much of an effort at all. He will sweep you off your feet, give you amazing orgasms and then *POOF* disappear. 
Most women aren't foolish enough to "fall" emotionally for this guy. They know it's a "sex thing." They like feeling beautiful and wanted and are saddened they can't have it everyday, but ultimately, this womanizing asshole makes it very clear, he isn't interested in a female beyond the next morning. Women can respect that. 

Every woman on the planet would be okay with being used by this Womanizer. Yum 

2) The "Nice Guy." Poor fellah. Not usually the most attractive one in the batch. Women love to have these guys as their "friends." The male in their life that will listen attentively, give accurate male advice (by accurate I mean the advice that ALWAYS makes the female feel better, telling her she's too pretty when she's clearly a 4) etc. This guy is almost always falling in love with females that are way out of his league and must have some sort of mild addiction to pain because these guys never seem to learn that women go for assholes.

Typical Nice Guy

3) The Self Proclaimed Gentleman a.k.a. Coward. This guy is the most dangerous to the female race. These guys are nicely nestled in between The Womanizer and The Nice Guy. He picks up on tricks from the womanizing male friends and uses them to "woo" any female of interest. He also picks up on the mistakes the Nice Guys did where they were "too supportive" to a female and became friends instead of lovers. This guy is sly. He'll take you out on 5 or more dates. Call or Text you daily to "let you know he's thinking of you." He may even go so far as to tell a female that she is the only person he wants to "see" and how amazing she is...Blah, blah, blah. JUST when the female starts to let her guard down- this particular male will *POOF* disappear. Slowly. He's like a ghost,  you can still feel his presence, but you can't see or necessarily hear him.

Beware the "Gentleman" 

Women need to be aware of the three specific types of men they will encounter in their lives. Only then will they be best armored to deal with each individual. The womanizer wants her body. The Nice Guy wants her mind and soul. The Gentleman wants his fantasy of a perfect girl and will treat every female he comes into contact with as such, until he gets bored or finds a replacement. Women, never let any of these men fool you. Nothing is real unless you have a ring on your finger.

Men. Assholes finish first because they know what they want, and they know how to get it. They also know that being sneaky ultimately complicates things for them. It's easier to be upfront with ladies.

Nice Guys, you should hang out with a few assholes and pick up a few tricks. Tell that "friend" of yours, she can't get "boyfriend privileges" unless you are actually her boyfriend.

Gentleman a.k.a. Cowards- I call you cowards because you have this idea in your head that women are fragile porcelain dolls that will shatter if you are too rough with them. They aren't. Most women won't in fact cry and beg if you tell them that your romantic situation with them has changed. It doesn't matter what reason. She will understand timing is off, or there is someone else, or you are afraid to commit, or her breathe stinks, or she farts in bed etc. etc. etc. What makes you a Coward is that you don't take the time to explain to a woman (that you've been stringing along) what's going on. You ghost away like a cowardly little prick into thin air. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

Women, slap yourself for going through the seven stages of grief once you've encountered a "Gentleman." He's not worth the energy and will be more likely to end up alone then his other male counterparts. You have a vagina, and someone else will sweep you off your feet in no time.

The End.